The Eye | Feb. 28 9:46 pm EST
Eating, risk, etc

Dangerous Dining

Chinese take-out, or murderous weapon?

Subway cars house a myriad of smells, from day-old donuts to mystery casseroles to moldy pizza. A proposed ban on food in the subway hopes to end these odors, taking the first step toward solving the MTA’s rat problem. The ban is unlikely to pass, but even so, there are definitely a whole lot of foods you shouldn’t even consider for your commute:

Soup: With all its jarring stops and occasional gropes, a train is not the place to try to consume any sort of liquid.  Also, soup is hot—the last thing you want is boiling chicken or vegetable stock spilling all over you on your way to an important interview or date. Then again, that hot liquid could ward off gropers—so maybe it’s actually the best thing to eat on the subway.

Spaghetti: Most of us still need bibs when eating spaghetti and meatballs while sitting at a table. Imagine trying to wind spaghetti around a fork while standing, one hand gripping a pole and the other trying to simultaneously hold a plate and shovel food into your mouth.

Chinese takeout: The thing about chopsticks is, they’re really just long wooden sticks and the subway is unpredictable, sometimes halting between stops and causing half its passengers to lose their footing and bump into each other. Picture this happening while you’re shoveling noodles into your mouth, the takeout box only a few inches away from your face. The subway stops. So don’t eat Chinese on the subway. You’ll probably go blind.

An ice cream cone: Everyone likes ice cream—this is a statistically proven fact (or if it isn’t, it should be). But if you’re going to eat ice cream on the subway, please, for the sake of your own sanity/health, eat it out of a cup. Again, the subway is filthy, and touching something you’re going to eat with hands you’ve been using to touch poles that have been touched by millions of people will probably get you sick. Even if you have a napkin wrapped around your cone, the ice cream will eventually start to melt and inevitably get all over your hands. You will, inevitably, lick your hands… and when you do, ice cream won’t be the only thing you’re licking up.

A slice of Koronet’s: Think about it: how often have you been sober while eating a slice of Koronet’s? And how smart is it to take the subway while drunk enough that you’ve finally given in to your desires for a slice of greasy heaven? Exactly.

Hot dogs: We’ve already established that the subway is full of creeps. Hot dogs are probably the second most phallic food you can buy. Do you really want to give them another reason to creep on you?

My advice is to wait it out—chances are, eating when you get where you’re going isn’t going to kill you… but taking your Campo spaghetti and meatballs to go just might.

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