Unfortunately for every music fan at Columbia, Coachella, the upcoming two-weekend festival of all things right in the music world will be happening in mid-April. This means that attending isn’t super feasible — especially because it happens in California, which isn’t exactly within road trip distance.

Add to that the fact that both weekends are sold out, and you have a pretty impossible situation. If money and time and school weren’t obstacles, what follows is how far I would go to score some tickets to Coachella.

10. Call Zooey Deschanel “adorkable” until she gives in and lets me go on tour with She and Him (note to self: become friends with Zooey Deschanel).

9. Do damage control in hotel rooms after Kings of Leon have stayed in them.

8. Do Thom Yorke’s spasm-dances everywhere for a full week.

7. Show up at Snoop Dogg’s place with an “honorary degree” from CU as additional payment for his show on campus last semester. That’s gotta be good for at least one night.

6. Listen to newer Black Eyed Peas.

5. Sit through a 24-hour loop of Lana Del Rey’s SNL performance.

4. Write a an impassioned plea to incorporate Nickelback into the Music Hum curriculum.

3. Start wearing hoodies and leggings to let the universe know I’m ready for tickets.

2. Make friends with people who look good in leggings and hoodies; proceed to discover what “hipster” means.

1. Sit in Butler 209 and write an essay instead of playing around on Photobooth for two hours before giving up and taking a nap.

I don’t think these will work, but at least there’s always Bonaroo.