Yesterday, Spectator published this pretty brilliant column by Zach Glubiak on why Columbia should get a real, live lion to prowl the sidelines à la LSU with Mike the Tiger. So that got me thinking, if there were a fight to the death competition for all of the Ivy mascots, we’d definitely win, right? Surely, there’s no animal more ferocious than a Lion. And hey, this might be the only thing we can win with little to no competition, so it has got to be worth exploring.

First off, we have an inherent advantage over three schools because we don’t just have a color to represent us. I’m looking at you, Cornell, Dartmouth and Harvard—especially the first two. “Big Green” and “Big Red?” Seriously? The only “big red” thing I know is Clifford, and he is probably the wussiest animal in the world. At least crimson is a more unique color, but let’s be real, what the hell can colors actually do against a Lion? Thanks for playing guys, but our Lion sees your lame colors and uses them for war paint.

With that lovely new paint job, our Lion could then prowl over to Penn and slaughter that Quaker. This would, of course, be easy because it’s human versus Lion—and with the quakers standing with technology, err, the simple fact that the Quaker is just not a Lion, I like our odds. I’m thinking that our Lion would start by ripping the Quaker’s face off before proceeding to eat it just like we would a nice steak dinner.

After that, for an after dinner snack, the Lion could head right on over to New Haven to chow down on some Bulldog. At least this mascot could probably put up a fight versus smaller, lesser animals. Bulldogs can be kind of cool, but c’mon, they’re no match for our Lion. Bye-bye Bulldog, this cat isn’t afraid of your kind.

Now here’s where the real competition starts—Providence, RI, where Brown houses their Bear. This could actually be a pretty heated contest. Well, that is until you find out that the Brown Bear has been doing the can-can with the Penn Quaker! That Bear is totally soft; the Lion would disembowel it with no problem.

So the final contest, the battle royale: The Princeton Tiger versus the Columbia Lion. And while it would definitely be a fight for the ages, I’m going to venture to say that our Lion would win, if for no other reason than tigers sometimes think their babies are pigs. Our Lion would chop up those piglets and make a beautiful Chipotle carnitas burrito.

So there you have it, just when you thought the Lions couldn’t win anything, they easily came away with this unscientific, completely biased contest just in time for a homecoming victory on Saturday!