Last week I got the bad news: “Thanks a lot for filling out our long and annoying form. Unfortunately, your LLC application did not include enough mentions of community, bonding, ponies, and rainbows, so you will not be living here next year.”

Living in a single in John Jay this year has afforded me certain luxuries: I use my chair as a closet for all of the pants not dirty enough to wash, but not clean enough for my closet, I regularly hold desk raves (Swedish House Mafia makes great homework background music), and impromptu naps are my thing.

So, now that I will be getting the “real college experience” and living with someone for basically the first time in my entire life, here’s how I plan to be the perfect roommate:

1. Set up an extensive system of signals. A Windsor knot for being sexiled, a half-Windsor for a bad mood, a Möbius strip for an Adele marathon, and so on.

2. Draw a line down the middle of the room. A shirt creeps over the duct tape and you’re getting a demerit.

3. Label everything. You borrow my toothpaste one day and the slippery slope begins. What next? My toothbrush? My sanity?

4. Establish a chore wheel. Thank goodness for SEAS—I’ll use the laws of probability to ensure I’ll be vacuuming once a semester.

5. Have weekly room meetings. And it won’t stop there—get ready for weekly room bonding outings, repeated emails about quiet hours, and study breaks!

6. Maybe I’ll just hope for Furnald.