The ten commandments of elevator etiquette
If you’ve been here long enough, you’ve probably come to realize that elevator etiquette is more important to some people at Columbia than you might think.
To help his people learn how to live a righteous life, Moses famously presented them with ten commandments from God. Learning how not to be judged on the elevator is equally complicated, so here are our ten commandments from God. They are:
1. Thou shalt not make eye contact with anyone else on the elevator. Verily, thou shalt stare at the floor-counting thing and keep thy silence.
2. Thou shalt not shove your arm, leg, or any other extremity in between the closing elevator doors.
2a. If thou art in a class in Mudd or art in a rush, thou mayest pry open the elevator doors with all available extremities.
3. Honor thy fellow passengers and GTFO-eth of the elevator if it is full.
3a. Too bad you’re late: Thou shalt not dry hump other passengers.
4. The elevator in Hamilton must never travel to both the sixth and seventh floors in a single journey. If thou art traveling to the seventh floor, but thy brother or sister is traveling to the sixth floor, both of you shalt get off on the same floor. The blessed soul who walks a single flight of stairs so that the elevator can cease making stops like a local subway shall be called “considerate” by all the people.
5. If thou seest a person violating the Fourth Commandment, thou shalt not audibly sigh or complain about it. Instead, thou shalt give that person the benefit of the doubt, for that person may be injured or have a disability, or may simply not know what he is doing.
6. Thou shalt not keep thy massive, human-sized bag anywhere but between thy feet.
7. If thou art going up or down fewer than three floors, The Lord says “take the stairs.”
8. Thou shalt not vomit or perform any other bodily functions in the elevator.
9. On a crowded elevator, thou shalt not push the button for a floor in vain. If you push the wrong button, looks like you’re getting off on the wrong floor and trying again. Columbia will not hold him guiltless that pusheth a button in vain.
10. Thou shalt not judgeth or make funneth of our attempts at ancient language or thou shalt take the stairs for eternity.
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