The best parts of holiday classic ‘ThanksKilling’
There are so many great Christmas movies. It’s a Wonderful Life, Miracle on 34th Street, The Santa Clause IV: The Substitute Clause. It’s an unfortunate truth, however, that there are far fewer classic movies that celebrate Thanksgiving.
Good news: That problem has been solved. ThanksKilling is available on Instant Netflix. It tells the story of a group of college students trying to get home to their families while being terrorized by a talking evil turkey. We would recommend that you take it in with your family, but sadly, Thanksgiving is over and your probably don’t have time. That being the case, here’s a time-stamped summary of the entire film (SPOILERS BELOW!).
0:00 — “The year is 1621, the olden days.”
The first Thanksgiving has just occurred, and the scene opens on a semi-nude pilgrim woman running through the woods. She trips over a large plastic rock and is killed by a talking turkey who wields a tomahawk.
0:03 — According to the opening credits, the actors in this movie include Chuck “Dead Body Guy” Lamb, General Bastard, and Wanda Lust. Wasn’t Wanda Lust in Lincoln?
0:04 — We’ve now moved forward in time, to the modern day. The setting is a rustic college campus. Main characters seem to be: Fat Kid, Quarterback, Party Girl, Nice Girl, and Nerdy Kid. They’re all traveling to their respective homes together in QB’s jeep.
0:08 — Flashback to QB’s childhood. He’s throwing the football with his father. More importantly, HE IS NOT A CHILD. It’s the same actor in the flashback, just pretending to be a little kid. This is rapidly becoming the best movie ever.
0:09 — Nerdy Kid has gone from nerdy to creepy: “This Thanksgiving, I’m gonna go wild! I’m gonna go skinny-dipping! … I’m gonna have sex WITH SOMEONE IN THIS CAR! I’m gonna be the one doing the sexing! TO ONE OF YOU!” No one else seems to notice that this is a terrifying thing to say to people you have just met.
0:10 — Cut to a redneck in the woods with his dog. Dog pees on a totem pole.Totem pole turns out to be the grave of a turkey, which digs itself out of the ground and says “Aww fuck!” while continuing to get peed on. “Aw piss!” Then kills the dog.
0:11 — Cut to house where local sheriff is having breakfast. Question: Has any law enforcement officer in history ever worn his his badge on his hat like this?
“Cheryl this coffee tastes like shit! What’d you do, take a dump in it?” “I sure did! I want a fucking divorce!” Oh and it turns out the sheriff is Nice Girl’s dad.
0:12 — Back to the college kids, it’s now nighttime and their car has broken down. The car needs to “cool off,” so they decide to spend the night in the nearby woods.On the way in, Nerdy Kid finds an old sign, which he reads by running his finger under each syllable as he pronounces it. The sign is in English. “Crawberg.”
Flashback to the old Indian settlement of Crawberg. Long story short, some tribal chief got mad at the Pilgrims and vowed to curse all white men, so he necromanced a turkey to roam the earth every 505 years (because revenge is a dish best served extremely, extremely cold). The turkey’s job is to kill any humans he comes across. It is now 505 years later (1621 + 505 = 2126, but whatever).
0:17 — The turkey is explaining to Redneck what happened to his dog. “Your dog had an AXEident. I took this here AXE. And I AXEidentally CUT him! Get it? AXEident?!” The redneck shoots at the turkey, but misses and the turkey escapes.
0:18 — Nice Girl is alone in the woods trying to comfort herself. “There’s no such thing as an evil turkey! There’s…” Interrupted by evil turkey, who finishes the phrase: “No such thing as an evil turkey! OH WAIT — I LIED!” Nice Girl screams and runs away. No one back at the campsite believes her…
0:22 — …until Fat Guy wakes up with turkey droppings on his chest!!! Luckily, Redneck happened along during the night and scared the turkey away, apparently.
0:24 — QB to Fat Guy: “So you actually believe there’s a real killer turkey on the loose? WHAT A LOSER! HAHAHAHA!” The car’s fine, by the way, and everyone’s back on the road.
0:26 — The turkey’s hitchhiking now. Some guy picks him up and wants to have sex with him. But the turkey has a gun. And now the turkey has a car.
0:27 — This is the second time that Nice Girl has said of Party Girl, “Her legs are harder to shut than the Jon-Benet Ramsey case.” Everyone reacts as if it’s just as clever the second time as it was the first time.
The turkey then kills QB’s parents, followed by Party Girl’s boyfriend (while he’s having sex with Party Girl), followed by Party Girl (“You just got STUFFED!”).
0:35 — The turkey dons a disguise and has coffee with Nice Girl’s father, who, for a reason that is not explained, is dressed up like a turkey.
0:38 — Turkey kills Nice Girl’s father and wears the man’s face as a mask. Nice Girl and friends come home, think the turkey is the girl’s dad.
Nice girl: “Thanks daddy! I’d die if it wasn’t for you.”
Turkey (aside): “More like you WILL die if it WAS for me!”
0:42 — The kids have finally caught wise to the turkey’s game, and now he’s explaining what he’s up to: “A long time ago, one of your ancestors disrespected our people really really badly and so as payback I’m here to kill any white person that disrespects Indians or our land.”
QB: “But we gave you casinos! Doesn’t that make up for what we did?”
Turkey: “Hahaha! It almost did, but it didn’t! Prepare to be dead!”
0:45 — Turkey kills Fat Kid. “Gobble gobble, motherfucker! Now that’s what I call FOWL play!”
0:46 — Nerd is pretty broken up about Fat Kid’s death, crying over the corpse. “Remember when you gave me my first ice cream cone under the sunset?” Flashback.
0:52 — The remaining kids ambush the turkey while he’s eating a salad in his roadside teepee, as foretold by prophecy. The kids recite a demonic prayer backwards and then try to light the turkey on fire. Turns out the prophecy was bullshit, but luckily Redneck shows up in the nick of time and shoots the turkey, whose corpse flies into a dumpster. With the turkey dead, the kids return to Nice Girl’s house to watch a movie.
0:56 — Oh shit the dumpster into which the turkey’s corpse fell is labeled “RADIOACTIVE MATERIALS” and it’s glowing green!!!
0:58 — Turkey’s back, glowing green, kills Nerdy Kid followed by QB (“I wish I could call a time-out for this!”). Nice Girl then kills the turkey (“Peck on someone your own size!”) and then apparently some family cooks it and has it for Thanksgiving dinner, but the cooked turkey leaps off the table screaming “DO I SMELL SEQUEL???” Fade out. The end.
Yep. The movie is less than an hour long — which, actually, is just about the perfect length for something like this. Enjoy!
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