Spectrum | Feb. 2 1:26 pm EST
football pros

Pretending like you know what the hell is going on: 5 tips for Super Bowl amateurs

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Some of us don’t watch football. And by that I mean we’ll watch one football game a year with the proper incentives—free food and booze. The Super Bowl is usually this event. Normal, non-sports observing Americans find that they’ve willingly subjected themselves to being thrown into a chaotic, highly charged situation, and must ask themselves: What the hell is going on? Well here are some tips for faking it till you make it (or just until next year…).

1. Remember it’s just like being at a dance party: Pretend you know that popular song you’ve never heard of, and put your hands up when everyone else puts their hands up. Bonus points for being able to shape your arms into goal posts or being able to differentiate between angry jumping and excited jumping.

2. Choose an allegiance. This requires some research. Google the colors of the teams (also who’s playing, if you haven’t gotten there yet), and choose the team whose colors look the best on you. Also, root for the team closest to your hometown! Be lenient with the miles radius.

3. Defend this allegiance to the death (/end of the game). Nobody likes a fair-weather fan. Regardless of how the game goes, everyone will know that you’re faking if you suddenly cheer for the winning team.

4. Know one fact that “proves” you understand how the game works. There are four downs. Ten yards for a first down, a touchdown is worth six points, seven with the extra point. People tend to freak out about fumbles; that’s when someone loses the ball (eh, fumbles).

drifter1717 / tumblr

Bonus points, Marshawn Lynch (who plays for the Seahawks) likes skittles, and he has a rocking set of grills.

5. Learn the name of one player. Besides Marshawn Lynch. Peyton Manning is playing for the Broncos, and Richard Sherman is on the Seahawks.

And there you go: easy as one, two, three (…four, five). Happy Super Bowl!




  1. Albert • February 2, 2014 at 7:48 pm • Reply

    Omg I love this author hahaha

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  2. Noah Morgenstein • February 4, 2014 at 6:28 pm • Reply

    This is perfect. Also, Sam Sokol is the coolest human of all the humans.

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