Spectrum | Dec. 3 4:02 pm EST
SUCH SCANDAL

Predicting this semester’s scandal

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It seems as though every semester during finals, some kind of scandal breaks out. Last semester we had hate crimes and LitHum cheating. A few years back, a political science professor was charged with incest of his daughter. And let’s not even get started with Operation Ivy League.  So, what’s in store for us this time? Spectrum came up with a few possibilities…

1. PrezBo fires Daphne Chen. Students break out torches and pitchforks for a proper riot.

Courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

2. Housing accidentally shuts off the heat in all of the dorms and we literally have to live in Butler (well, unless you live in the Shaft). We call dibs on one of those cozy alcoves in the Catalog Room.

3. It’s revealed that CU Admirers has been secretly run by KeSho (#neverforget) this entire time.

Spectator

4. Manhattanville is revealed to be infested with blue-footed boobies.

Wiki Commons

5. Nutellagate, part 2: Guacgate. The dining halls start serving guacamole (the good stuff, mind you), costing the university millions per year.

Courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

6. Student life fees are actually leaked and reveal that we mostly pay for Café East dumpling grease.

If only they looked this delicious…
Courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

7. The school store starts selling Plan B, causing a fight between student groups demanding the administration do something or do nothing.

8. Stressbusters will bring in kittens instead of puppies. All those who attend only become more stressed after the kittens repeatedly scratch and bite anyone who tries to pet them.

Fearsome beast courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

9. Dining services can no longer afford personalized “Columbia Dining” mints and instead just serves generic, boring ones. School spirit plummets to an all-time low.

Courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

Courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

Let’s just hope for a smooth, scandal-free finals season!

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COMMENTS (3)

  1. Anonymous • December 3, 2013 at 5:09 pm • Reply

    I checked the history on David Epstein and his daughter. But no pics of her.
    Was she hot?
    Is she still single?

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: -3 (from 11 votes)
  2. lol • December 3, 2013 at 6:52 pm • Reply

    Tears. I’m actually crying.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: +3 (from 5 votes)
  3. Zoink • December 4, 2013 at 9:14 am • Reply

    Don’t torture your brains. Columbia is already a farce.

    VA:F [1.9.22_1171]
    Rating: 0 (from 0 votes)

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