Low Library to become enormous Starbucks
The administration has finally given in to calls for repurposing Low Library. The often photographed architectural landmark has long served merely as a gathering place for Columbia’s bureaucrats, but today’s decision heralds an exciting change.
Late last evening, CCSC and ESC (GSSC was not invited) jointly proposed to renovate Low Library into an additional Starbucks coffee store. The proposal arrived on President Bollinger’s desk early this morning, and given the University President’s penchant for caramel macchiatos, it was quickly approved. Construction is set to begin next week. The front of the building will soon be fitted with the familiar Starbucks signage.
In a statement released by the Office of the President, President Bollinger had this to say:
“We do it in the great tradition of openness that has defined this nation for many decades now. We need to understand the world we live in, neither neglecting its glories nor shrinking from its threats and dangers. Turning this monument into a Starbucks is not just an act of fortitude, it is an act of necessity. I am only a professor who is also a university president, and today I feel all the weight of the modern civilized world yearning to express the excitement at what having another Starbucks on campus stands for. I only wish I could do better.”
In an interview, President Bollinger told Spectator, “I’m excited—I just hope Nick Sprayregen doesn’t own some property in Low, too.”
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