Sometimes I think back to NSOP and cringe at all the silly things I did:

• Wear my ID around my neck on a lanyard

• Awkwardly introduce myself to people on the elevator and never see them again

• Exchange phone numbers with basically anybody who had a pulse

• Almost cause a pile up every single time I use the stairs

Look, everyone has obvious lapses in what’s considered general knowledge, and this was mine: I did not know stairs etiquette. Before you judge me, you might as well know that my high school in California was a scattered array of bungalows, barely buildings lest there be an earthquake. And I guess I never really noticed how awkward and weird my stair climbing experiences were the few times I really did use the stairs. So at 18, I’m learning what most people figured out years ago: when using the stairs, to the right to the right, every time you climb keep yourself to the right. Here are the 10 Commandments of Stairs Usage:

1. In the event that you get a text message mid-climb, please wait until you get to the top of the stairs before checking it. It’ll still be there when you get to the top. It’s not a howler. *
2. Do not form a roman platoon shield wall while climbing the stairs with friends.
3. Do walk slowly or passive aggressive people will cut you off. *
4. Don’t be passive aggressive and try to cut people off. *
5. Don’t be the person who drops your morning coffee and creates a waterfall of scorching caffeine down the stairs.
6. Don’t flail your arms, elbows, bags, books, purses, food or any extremities while making your ascent.
7. Don’t contemplate singing Stairway to Heaven because of the irony. Wait, am I the only one who does that? *
8. Don’t run down, especially during rush hour, unless you want to create a human snowball. *
9. Do not stop in the middle of the stairwell to accost a long-lost friend whom you haven’t seen since… calculus class four days ago! (Le gasp, quel horreur!) *
10. Don’t forget: the purpose of the stairwell is to get off the stairwell. Make it snappy!