Quick, word-association stream of consciousness, go!

It’s exactly-a-week-after-Valentine’s-Day is to chocolate is to after-Valentine’s-Day-sales is to more chocolate is to indulge-in-too-much-chocolate. That makes one feel nauseous and incur thoughts of hitting the gym. The first gym I can think of is Dodge, but then I think about exercise. Exercise is to yuck just as that first bite of 50 percent-off Ghirardelli caramel squares was to yum.

tl;dr: You have really shitty calorie karma. But the gym is so. Far. Away.

So here’s a list of things you can do to burn off those extra pounds (neon spandex and short-shorts optional).

1. This one’s the obvious one, especially if you live on the 6th floor or higher: Walk up dem stairs! Jog if you’re feeling ambitious and unafraid to get sweaty/weird looks from your peers.
2. Walk through only the wheel-chair accessible doors, WITHOUT punching the big square button. Expect to see slightly more defined biceps by the end of the week.
3. Walk to class backwards, keeping a sharp lookout for bikers. When asked what you are doing, explain that you wanted to know how the false prophets felt in the Inferno. (SEAS/GS? Click here)
4. Butler Sex (if that’s not your thing, do squats as you hunt for books), but remember to keep it sexy, we have a reputationto uphold.
5. Study while doing a wall-sit/in plank position to get those Achilles style abs you’ve wanted since seeing this at the Met.
6. Surreptitiously snag your friends’ chem/psych/calc books/Dells and bench-press with them. Newb? Start off with the Odyssey in one hand and the Iliad in the other. Gradually work your way up to Augustine and Ovid, then the Bible and Don Quixote.
7. Do lunges up the Lerner ramps and jumping jacks while waiting in the pasta line. Pant heavily, especially if you really want to tick people off.
8. Go to a dance party and let your inner Shakira loose, but control your inner Lindsay and stay away from those cocktails!
9. Walk to Garden of Eden instead of Westside for your salad fix (Not only do you get 10 percent off everything if you get a card, but sushi is also $2 off after 7 p.m.)
10. Spend half an hour every day trying to push the Tooth by yourself, or do chin-ups on the arms of that weird statue thing in front of Casa Italia (apparently, they’re tight-rope walkers?)