Barnard to close, pool to stay open
In a new feature, we will occasionally be running stories in the 1:11 from an alternate, but in many ways more accurate, version of Columbia University.
In a stunning twist of events, Barnard President Debora Spar has decided to shut down the college rather than seek to cut 8 million from the famed institution’s budget.
“Once we thought about it, it made a lot sense,” Spar said. “Why would you cut 8 million from the budget when you can just remove the need for a budget entirely? I think this is the kind of innovative thinking independent institutions like ours can bring to the table. Or used to be able to bring to the table since we’re obviously closed now.”
However, much to the relief of many students, the Barnard pool will remain open. Barnard Student Government Association president Brenda Johnson explained that the student government and Spar had gradually realized that having a girls-only place to swim was far more important to students than the college itself.
“When Barnard failed to find housing for some, or retroactively mandated that all students would be required to register full time, we never really saw any sustained outrage,” Johnson explained. “However, when we mentioned that the pool might have to go in order to keep the college running, we never heard the end of it. That’s when it all clicked.”
While Barnard’s closure will effectively expel the school’s 2000 undergraduates, the mood on the quad (which will soon be turned into a Speedo swim store) was upbeat.
“Yeah, it’s sad to see Barnard go,” admitted one student, “but if I had to choose between walking to Dodge to swim and closing down Barnard, it’s not really a hard decision.”
Another undergrad, triumphantly holding up a “Save the Pool” poster, admitted that she had never actually seen the pool, but felt better knowing it was there: “I’ve heard that’s where you can major in ‘unafraid’ and that sounds way more useful than philosophy, so I’m probably going to talk to my advisor about that.”
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