It’s late. You’re up. Hopefully you’re having a good time, whether it be partying it up at First Friday, stumbling around Morningside Heights, or catching up on sleep, while yours truly tries to simultaneously start reading The Republic while writing this post. Typing with one finger is quite the exercise in dexterity.

Actual News: 

Goodbye polar bears: This summer was uncommonly hot, and that temperature has wreaked havoc upon the Arctic sea ice. The Norwegian Polar Institute has reported that the melt rate is “unprecedented in at least as much as 1,500 years. It is truly amazing…a huge dramatic change in the system.” Say hello to the pizzlie bears. (It’s terrible, but it’s between that or grolar.)

Quantum scientists uncertain: A new team of scientists have posited that certain weak measurements may prove that the Heisenberg uncertainty principle is wrong. Oh, the irony. Looks like the English majors may get the last laugh this time.

Homeland Security wants you ready for the Zombie-pocalypse: Yes, this is real news. Apparently, if you know how to prepare yourself for a wave of brain-munching corpses, you can also deal with lesser threats like hurricanes, terrorists, and pandemics. So pretty much, it’s recommended that you put down whatever you are doing now to watch Zombieland another fifty times.

News you’ve been waiting for:

Can’t hail a taxi: There’s an app for that. But, it charges a premium, and may or may not be illegal. So don’t pull out that ubiquitous iPhone just yet.

Corgis have been trained to parody Carly Rae: