The Columbia Oscars
While the glitz and glam of the Oscars is currently going on at the Kodak theater in L.A., the rest of campus is probably unaware of the ceremony that went down last night in Low.
Last year’s Athletic’s Awards Show was such a resounding success, that administration decided to extend the program to the University at large.
After a roaring opening musical number from host Professor de Bary, here were some of the highlights:
Best Supporting Actor: The NYPD officer who posed as a member of the MSA – “Thanks guys. When the NYPD wanted me to infringe on basic civil liberties so much, I never thought I could play a role like that, but white water rafting? What a blast! This award is just icing on the cake. Wait…this isn’t laced with anthrax or explosives, right?!?”
Best Actress: Hurricane Irene – (The entire crowd in attendance immediately ran screaming out of Low at this point, overrunning Westside and buying up every canned good and battery in sight.) “Wait, where’s everyone going?!? I thought the COOP and move-in day “postponements” are why I’m winning this award! (After a 10-minute delay, the ceremony continued after one of the custodians was able to clean up all of Irene’s damage with a small broom and dust bin.)
Best Animated Feature: Coach Smith’s face during the last 10 minutes of the Yale game at Columbia – “First off, I have to thank my players, whose performance down the stretch made those facial reactions possible. Jacking up threes 10 seconds into the shot clock when we were up 18, repeated turnovers….especially that last one, Alex, where you threw that ball over the scorers table with 30 seconds left to let them have the winning basket. I couldn’t have drawn it up better myself. I’m pretty sure that last stare locked down this award.”
Best Actor: Interim Dean Valentini- “I didn’t want to just be an acting Dean, I wanted to be the real thing. I hosted town halls, met as many students as I could, made videos that connected with the campus, made incredibly generous donations to the Senior Fund, planned out important policy initiatives… I really thought I was the real thing? I suppose this award just dashes all those delusions….” (Dean Valentini wandered off stage, leaving his award at the podium.)
Best Visual Effects: The interior decorator of the refurbished brownstones- “It was no small task erasing all traces of faux male fellowship and odors of beer, vomit, and general fratitude and replacing it with the dull candor, institutionalization, and uniformity of Columbia housing in only a couple of months, but I think this is confirmation that I’ve done my job!”
Best Art Direction: The creators of the South Lawn snow penis- “When we wanted to create something that truly represented the ambitions and high reach of our students, faculty, and administration, we decided to construct that rocket ship blasting into the future with the Earth and moon globes positioned at the bottom to illustrate how far we plan on journeying.” (The presenter whispered into the student’s ear, and his eyes widened as he quickly shuffles offstage.)
And that was about it! Unfortunately, the ceremony was cut short when the NYPD officer forced an evacuation of the building when he suspected all of the awards were explosives.
Leave a Comment
Be nice. Don't use HTML tags. And consider reading our full comment policy.