My favorite intoxicant
Friends, they may have taken our Four Loko and they’ll probably even take away our dear alcoholic whipped cream. But fear not, because they’ll never take away the greatest intoxicant at our disposal: really, really poor decision-making.
I discovered really, really poor decision-making in high school. Most of my friends did. We first experimented with it in limited ways—throwing rocks at cars, lighting fireworks indoors, watching horrifying YouTube videos. But soon we became addicted. We began exercising really, really poor decision-making daily. Prom immediately comes to mind.
College has truly been the place to experiment with really, really poor decision-making. And each time the means to it has been restricted, really, really poor decision-making has nonetheless triumphed. For instance, we used to sled down the snowy Low steps on dinner trays until they were banned. Now, we do it with old planks of used wood we find by the side of the road, rusty nails sticking out like headstones in a graveyard. Why? Because we are masters of really, really poor decision-making
Masters indeed. Many of my friends here are unfazed by the banning of Four Loko. Why? Well, having two hands, they are capable of simultaneously holding a can of Red Bull and a bottle of vodka; having taken physics, they are capable of understanding the laws of gravity well enough to turn those containers over; and having enough really, really poor decision-making, they are capable of drinking the entire mixture.
You see, there’s absolutely nothing—no law, guideline or gentle suggestion—that will stand in the way of really, really poor decision-making. Drinking 24 ounces of Loko may now be illegal, but drinking 24 ounces of whiskey is entirely possible if one has really, really poor decision-making on his side.
So let’s be clear: alcohol has never killed anyone. Neither has whipped cream. In fact, neither has even harmed someone. That’s because they are inanimate objects.
What has killed people and has sent them to hospitals, however, is really, really poor decision-making. But as long as there are teenagers, college-students and Charlie Sheen in this great country of ours, really, really poor decision-making is going nowhere. It’s unbannable, untreatable and probably constitutionally protected.
And it’s a good thing too: Without really, really poor decision-making, how boring would our lives be? I’d stop to think about it, but I have to get this lamp out of the bathtub first.
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