Genesis: A Columbia Halloween
Opinion Blogger Emerald Gearing performs a dramatic reading from the Spectrum Book of Genesis, on the Creation of a Columbia Halloween.
In the beginning, professors created midterms, and I said, “Let there be fun in the midst of the midterms, and let it divide the first two midterms from the second two.” And I made plans for the fun to happen: and it was so. And I called the fun Halloween. And that evening and the morning were the first day.
And I said, Let the students under the heaven be gathered together unto one place, and let the party appear on Facebook: and it was so. And I called it: “The Halloween Party”; and the gathering together of the students I called a shit-show.
And I saw that it was good. And I said, Let the hipsters bring forth grass, the Frats yielding watery beer, and the virile men yielding fruit after his own kind, whose seed is in himself (and hopefully) upon a condom: and it was so. And the evening and the morning were the second day.
And I said, Let Butler bring forth abundantly the moving creature that still hath life, and other students that may fly above the misery in this upcoming weekend of Hallow’s Eve: and I saw that it was good. And I blessed them, saying, “Be less productive, and multiply the fun, filling the brownstones on 113th and multiplying the number of the Parade downtown.” And the evening and the morning were the third day.
And I created the Jello shots and the dry martinis. And the night was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the night because it was not the daytime. And the Spirit of Halloweenish Revelry moved upon the faces of those gathered. And I said, Let there be shots: and there was shots. And I felt the buzz, and it was good: and I divided the vodka into several little glasses. And I called it a good idea, and sobriety I called overrated. And that evening and the next morning were the fourth day.
And I said, Let there be chasers at this Halloween bash to divide the vodka from its aftertaste; and let them be for Svedka, and for Nikolai, and for Smirnoff and for Absolut. And let them be forever present so that all may be made bearable: and it was so. And I made two choices; the Sprite to rule the still sober, and the Red Bull to rule those far gone: and I saw that it was good. And the evening and the morning were the fifth day.
And I said, Let the individual bring forth his people after his kind, as all should have a posse on Halloween: and it was so. And I made a group of my close friends, and even that guy that creepeth me out: and I saw that it was good. And I said, “Let us invite crazy Adam, from CC: and let him have dominion over our night’s activities, for he is fun.” So I called up the male and he brought his female, Eve. And I thanked them, and said unto them, Hold nothing back, we can keep up. And I said, Behold, I see stilettos, the night is beginning. And I saw every thing that I had made, and, behold it was very good. And the evening and the morning were the sixth day.
Thus everyone under the heavens was schwasted, and all the host of them. And on the seventh day, I ended my work, which I had made; and I rested on that seventh day.
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