It’s the most wonderful time of the year! Housing selection! This is the week that we’ve been waiting for…

So today, in honor of housing selection, I’ve made a brief guide to the five types of people you’ll encounter in Columbia housing, based on a completely scientific survey of my own opinion:

1. The Hansel and Gretel (a.k.a., “You can locate me by following the trail of personal belongings I’ve strewn across the suite.”): Human wrecking ball. When you live with this guy, you frequently find yourself screaming, “This is why we can’t have anything nice!” Dress-upable, but not take-out-able. Considers all food in common spaces “fair game.” Capable of eating an entire jar of someone else’s Nutella in one sitting. Will leave dirty, empty jar on counter. Incorrigible, inscrutable, and often intolerable. Fears cleaning, organizing, learning how to use the dishwasher.

2. The Homewrecker: Similar to the Hansel and Gretel, but more brazen in his disregard for human life/his suitemates. Throws raucous parties and allows resultant mess to fester in suite for days or possibly weeks. Unfazed by extreme squalor. Don’t get into a war of attrition with the Homewrecker—you’ll be dead and buried under a pile of empties before he notices anything’s amiss. Fears nothing (save brutal retribution from his suitemates).

3. The Loud One (a.k.a., “This one goes up to eleven.”): Likes to blast Ke$ha on his boom box when you’re just drifting off to sleep. Cannot walk around common room without knocking over a can of change/table/crystal vase. For recreation, engages in furious, clanging, wall-shaking monkey business in his room. If he has a sense of shame, you have yet to see it. Fears peace, quiet, tranquility.

4. The Gourmet: Likes to “experiment” in the kitchen. Can be found at all hours of the day/night, stirring some sort of strange concoction on the stove. Enjoys foods that are prone to splattering/cannot be removed from a countertop without lye. Impervious to terrible odors, noxious smoke, pleas from suitemates who are sick of pulling mystery meat out of sink drain. Fears sandwiches, salads, other normal foods.

5. The Silent Tyrant: Wages grand campaigns of passive aggression. If you leave your dishes out, he will put them on your bed. Eerily, serial killer neat. This guy complains that his room is a mess when there is a single wrinkled sock in his sock drawer. Or in your sock drawer next door. Tapes a note to the refrigerator door when someone “left meat out all night—guys, that’s disgusting and so disrespectful!” Dreams of relocating to single in Harmony Hall/killing all his suitemates in their messy, messy rooms. Fears sloppiness, people who are laid back, anything left on the kitchen table.

And then, of course, there’s one more person you might live with: The Worst. Fears bathrooms. Time to call Housing…