Coming back: Five things you wish you had
Remember in May when you moved out, took one last look at campus, and mouthed some version of the Terminator’s “I’ll be back?” Well, we’re back. A bit anticlimactic if you ask me—no one set up a ticker-tape parade, nor did PrezBo personally offer me a gift for making the intellectual jump from sophomore to junior year—but I understand funding’s short around here, so I’ll let it slide. (Oh, unless you’re a freshman, in which case: Welcome to Columbia, the place where dreams once existed!)
While some of us have been on campus for a while, the rest of us have just made weak but well-meaning promises to ourselves that today—no, but seriously, today—we’re going to unpack that box. But regardless of how long we’ve been here, we can agree that certain amenities are just better at home. Below is a list of five things you wish you had but won’t for the better part of a year.
1) The good toilet paper
Say goodbye to the unlimited supply of deliciously soft, two-ply, quilted TP squares, and say hello to the too-thin, scratchy, one-ply monstrosities that Facilities has the gall to term acceptable toilet paper. You can almost hear nether-regions cringing campus-wide. Make sure you double-up on that criminally thin TP—there are few things more gag-inducing than starting the wipe with your fingers dry and ending the wipe with them wet.
2) Non-communal bathrooms
Let’s be real: you’re going to have to take a dump once in a while, and when that moment comes, people will recognize you by your flip-flops. No more will you have months of uninterrupted bathroom visits. Instead, brace yourselves for the inevitable time when you’re holding in a boisterous bout of gas and seriously questioning how much time your floor-mate really needs to brush her teeth before leaving because damn it, the flood-gates can’t hold it for much longer. Also, say adios to your home shower with its known and consistent water pressure, a near-continual supply of hot water, a bathtub clean enough to sit in, no need for flip-flops, badly organized shower caddies… let me stop.
3) Your couch
(noun) A magical place where expectations cease to exist, situated in a way that maximizes shameless channel surfing because you just can. Lounge couches aside—because I harbor serious doubts that we can assign them to the definition above in good conscience—the closest thing you’re going to get to this is sitting in the soft, sleep-inducing chairs of Schermerhorn 501, pointing your iClicker at the projector in a half-hearted attempt to collect on participation points.
4) Your own bed
Enough said—unless your bed is somehow shittier than 60-year-old university mattresses, in which case I am truly sorry. Rough life, bro.
5) Home-cooked meals
The total certainty of what exactly you’re eating suddenly disappears when you go from Mom’s home cooking to Columbia Dining. Even if you don’t have a meal plan and are going to do it all yourself and you’re a good cook, yada yada yada—the fact is that food tastes better when someone else makes it for you (and when you’re not paying $14 a pop).
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